Sunday, August 16, 2009

All Of A Sudden...

...... I feel I need to end it, not for whatever reason but because I know its the right thing to do. Initially, before everything had started I had the clear understanding of what it should be, "we" had the common point as to where our lines should cross and our bounderies should mend. It has been goin' on for almost a year now, Im free but technically not single. He, on the other hand is single with a girlfriend. None amongst our peers knew what we have as we made a pact not to put a face on it. He works in the next building where I am and so his girlfriend too. He is genuinely nice I must say, a typical guy who admire, who dream, who explore, who love and I guess a typical guy who like amongst us not contented. And maybe that is why we made a click. We've known each other through a common friend and later had an understanding which was meeting the horizon of what I do not have and what he might have been abundant upon that mislead him to have been lack of it. I admire his being honest and open, I always caught myself off guarded with his questions ( I dont know if he noticed it ). I like his ways of protecting what "we have". I understood that it should be. Sometimes my reason will empower me and will tell me that nothing is wrong with what Im doing but more often that not I know in me it has.

Not until yesterday that we saw each other after two months, that we had a great talk of almost anything and everything under the sun. I was able to listen to him sharing about his past, his failures and successes and his dreams, I hear him saying about how bitter he was before with life and so on... Then we came to the point of him asking me what was my life like, what happened and if I was married, that caught me off guarded again.. Im never open about my private life, only choosen few knew it all and to be honest I dont want him to know. Because I can see no importance of him knowing it and what "we" have does not concern each other to begin with.

Then I realize one thing, I cant be like this forever. I cant be with him all the time and so is he to me. "We" cant hide it from people and I cant afford to loose face infront of them. Because I know first of all that it is wrong. He is too nice that I will be sad if something will go wrong with him and his girlfriend ( which I know is going on before I came in the scene) which I also guess was aggreviated because of my presence.

I just heard mass tonight before I connect all these thoughts and emotions and the priests said " intellectual ability or intelligence is defying yourself to what is right and doing it and what is wrong and staying away from it ; he also mentioned that sin in any level and God does not go together and whatever justifications we have will never make things right in the eyes of God".....and this made me realize that I may not know what lies ahead of me but my faith should lead me to where I should be and to whom should I belong...

And you know the bottom of this all? Its because Im falling.... somewhere in between.

One great line I learn all this time about love and life.... we can never be happy at the expense of other people and I know its true.

I dont hope for ours to last nor wish for theirs to end. I just pray that this will make us better individuals and this goodbye will endure the present.